14 Weeks!

It's insane how fast my belly has expanded this pregnancy. In.Sane! I was about this size with Collin when I was mid-way through my pregnancy and I just crossed over into the second trimester last week! yikes!

Like I said in my last post, things have been really rough for me the last few months and I've been struggling with depression. So, today I visited the OB to talk about it and left with a prescription and a request to contact a therapist. I've heard of and read about second pregnancies bringing on depression. I'm not sure what it is, specifically, but I'm guessing a combination of the last couple of month's situations/changes, the extra hormones, and past issues that I haven't quite dealt with. Hopefully I'll start to feel better soon.

Sometimes I feel a few little flutters in there. Last time it felt like butterflies. This time it feels like bubbles popping. I can't wait to start feeling movement consistently because I have only been able to catch the heartbeat on the doppler once. Since I have an anterior placenta (where the placenta is sitting on top of the uterus instead of the sides) my doppler I have at home doesn't catch the heartbeat yet.

Time seems to be speeding up a bit. So, that's good!

SO much has changed.

Back in January I was here with a very personal declaration. That I was working on ME. Which, of course meant that I was so overwhelmed with everything going on and needed to tone it down a bit.

Well, that means that I stepped away from the blog for a bit. But soooo much has changed since that day a couple of months ago. My world and life took a practically complete 180 degree turn. I knew 2013 would be the year of change, but I wasn't expecting SO much change so soon. So... let's review.

I had continued doing the Turbo Fire program and was KILLING IT! I lost had 12 pounds and was feeling so good about life. It's amazing how being healthier and looking at life through different eyes helped me in so many different ways.

My husband found a new job! He's started in an electrical apprenticeship program last week. Which is a great career move for him. He was at his last job for almost four years, he loved it. But, there was no room for growth. He was craving something that would propel him for our future. So, he got an interview with this new company and was offered the job almost immediately! So, that's great. Except the $3.50/hr pay cut he's had to take. Which, is quite a bit when it adds up. So because we have to take a pretty big hit to our income, we need to downsize and move. I never thought I'd be in my late twenties, with a family and a marriage... moving in with my father. Yep, that's right. We're moving in with my pops. But... it won't be permanent and really it is the best thing we can do right now.

About two weeks after taking this job offer, I was forced to close my business thus losing my job and quite a bit of our family's income. It couldn't have come at a worse time with hubby's pay cut. Unfortunately, the situation wasn't a good one. The motives behind what happened were nothing but pure evil. Losing what I love to do - and have been doing for going on eight years - was tragic. I am still so hurt, but am pressing on with faith and trust in God that better things are on the horizon.

It also turns out that we had just found out we were expecting another baby. Which, we were so surprised to learn. We had been trying since May 2012. We were lucky to get pregnant pretty much right away in July but we also miscarried (technically a chemical pregnancy since it happened before 5 weeks) shortly after. Another seven months of trying and I finally had had enough, I needed a break. I told my husband one Sunday night that since I had been so focused on my health and living a healthier life style, that I'd like to just continue working on myself and my weight loss. That maybe we could try again after my birthday this summer. The next morning I got a positive pregnancy test. And it turns out, right after my birthday we'll be able to find out if we're carrying a little baby boy or girl.

Meet 2.0! We are due in October and are so thrilled that baby is seemingly healthy and growing right on track. The first trimester is always hard for me - and for most women who have endured the painful experience of losing a baby. And I am so happy to almost be out of first tri and headed into the second! 

Through out all of this... hubby's new job, losing my job, being blessed with another pregnancy, needing to move... my faith has not wavered  My trust in God to take care of our family has not faltered. The only constant in all of this change is the Lord. Holding on to hope and knowing that no matter what happens He is there holding everything together even when it seems like things are just crumbling around me. And regardless of jobs or losing income, all that matters is that our family is healthy and growing. Everything else will work itself out. 

I have so much to write about. But I think that's probably enough for now. I'll be back soon with photos from Collin's 2nd birthday party! 

I'm working on ME.

Disclaimer. This is long. And I ramble. But there's a point. So stick with me, okay? 

Today was a hard day, emotionally. I posted a while back about this new journey I'm on. Today was hard in relation to that.

I've been making small changes now for about 10-12 weeks. Changes in my diet, in my activity level, in my response and investment in the world and towards the people in my life. Small changes that are adding up to be big world-changers for me. A few months ago, on that drive into the snowy mountains I talked about before - the one where I talked to God the whole entire drive - I promised my self and made a vow to God to start focusing on me.

If someone were to ask me to make a "like" and "don't like" list about myself, my "don't like" list would probably be a lot longer than the "like" list. And a lot of the things on my "like" list would be things like:

"I like being a mom."

"I like being a wife."

"I love being partly responsible for my son's achievements."

"I love my husband and what our relationship has grown to be in the last twelve years."

"I like love being a successful (in my eyes) business woman/artist"

See a pattern? 

Last weekend in church, Scott Nickel taught on the fact that as women we often focus our happiness on the things we're surrounded by. As a woman, a mom, and a wife the very definition of myself is dependent on how happy, fulfilled, and successful my marriage, my role as Collin's mother, and the other relationships I have in my life.

This is a dangerous path. One that I've been traveling since I can remember. For as long as I can remember I have craved praise from the people who surround me. I have always needed to feel like I am good enough, strong enough, and successful enough in other's eyes. But what about in my eyes? Or... more importantly what about in God's eyes?

Strangely enough, this very topic is something I spoke with God about back in November while I white-knuckled the icy roads into Winterpark, CO. I came to realize through our conversation that it's time that I start focusing more of my efforts inward. Because the "don't like" category was just getting too long. And I had started to lose sight of... me. Questioning who I am. Questioning and wondering what my purpose is in this world outside of being a mother and wife.

One of my biggest struggles in life, as I've mentioned before, is my addiction to food. So, this morning I was really struggling. I had made some not-so-great choices twice this week and all the guilt and shame set in today. I'm getting bored with my food options. I'm trying to do as much salad and smoothies as I can stomach. And, actually, I love coming up with new salad options. I've always loved salad. I've always loved smoothies. But I'm getting bored. And my old cravings and habits are trying to creep back in and I felt so weak this morning.

My "old" life is comforting. I sought comfort in my addictions. Now I'm having to find new sources of comfort and to be confident in my choices above all else. This "new" life has unfamiliar. It's scary. And I'm terrified to fail. Especially because I have made my efforts so public on Facebook/Instagram.

Now, as another side note...There's a reason I've done that by the way. Because when I seem to go a few days without a workout update or a clean-food photo update I start getting questioned from some friends who seem to really care about my efforts. And that is motivating and it keeps me going knowing that there are people out there who want to see me succeed. Who believe that I can succeed. It's empowering and when I have days like today, it makes me want to pull myself off the couch and kick ass in a work out or come up with something delicious and healthy.

Which, is exactly what I did this evening. I owned Fire30 / Stretch 10 tonight!

I struggled all day with my cravings. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with C for lunch and that's all I ate until dinner. Because I didn't trust myself to make good choices. Then I squashed those feelings with the best Turbo Fire workout I've had yet. And proved to myself that even in my weakest moments, even in my darkest times when the Devil is trying to gain hold over me and temptations seem to be flooding around me... I can prevail. I CAN and WILL win.

So... what's my point to all of this?
(I told you I was going to ramble a bit) 

I'm working on me.

Finally. Along side with all of the other hats and things on my plate, I've finally put myself on my priority list and am focusing and working on me. And for the record, I refuse to feel bad about that. In fact, I am actually proud of myself for finally feeling like I deserve some of my own focus and attention. And finally... finally!... I trust that God is my ring leader and He is leading me toward a better life. 

Thank you to those who surround me with positivity and encouragement. Thank you to those who understand or at least try to. I am excited (and terrified at the same time) to see what this next year brings. Like I said, small changes are already adding up. 

Hello 2013.

Dang it. That was a long blogging break. Unintended but totally needed, I suppose. The holidays were rough for us. We are blessed to have so much family but it is so much work! We visited six different families between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We wouldn't have it any other way and this year was the first year I remember ever embracing it and just having fun. Not that it hasn't been fun before, I've just never loved the traveling-all-over-the-state part of it.

It seemed like one second it was C's birthday and we were celebrating with an awesome airplane party (I'll have photos up soon!) and the next minute it was the day after Christmas and our house was a DISASTER AREA. We were flooded with awesome toys and gifts for C and I'd be surprised if our trash guy didn't despise us after all of that!

I've been back at doing Turbo Fire. I love it. But it's hard to stay motivated. I'm working on that.

This verse from last week's service at Flatirons Church has been resonating through me every day. It says so much about where my life is right now and keeps me focused. 

I found this quote on Pinterest and love it. I'm really working on change throughout all aspects of my life trying to make a better future (and today) and letting go of the past. 

I was in Aspen working with Yahoo! this last weekend. It was cooooooooold but so much fun. 

I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately. Which, might be why I haven't been to update. I'm trying to refocus my life - which includes my focus here. I am so torn. When I started this blog two+ years ago, I had every intention of it being a DIY blog. Who has time to DIY often enough to make things entertaining? Not me. Then it sort of became the place where I'd share pregnancy and infancy details about C. That didn't last too long after he was born. When I started back up again last fall, I realized... all along I haven't been doing this for me as much as you!

See, I want my followers and readers to enjoy my little tiny space here. But it's when I focus solely on that that I end up not blogging for months on end because it's so much pressure to write often enough, entertaining enough, with great photos, and content that will make a difference some how. I was scheduling posts, working up weekly topics to do (which I still might do once and a while), hoping to schedule linky parties. It's just too much.

Here's something most people who know me know for certain - I wear like 24,134 hats. I've got my Mom hat, my Makeup Artist hat, my Wife hat, my Decor hat, my Friend hat... and so on and so forth. And I'm adding Nail Polish Creator hat to that mix now, too (more on that later). I don't know what it is about me, but my plate has to be overflowing. And sometimes things lack because of it.

So, in the coming weeks, I'm really going to buckle down and refocus my energy here. I'm not sure where it'll go or what will become of it but I want it to be more than what it is now. I fully intend to include my fitness and health goals (and wins!) like I said I would. I still want to feature and write about all the other things I've done in the past. I just need to figure out the how, why, and what in all of that.

I hope to have photos from C's party up for everyone to see. I am so proud of what hubby and I created for his party and he LOVED it! First, I need to finish a few etsy orders and get some things off my laptop onto my external hard drive because I keep getting yelled at by my little white machine that I'm out of space. :/ Oops!

Until next time, blogland.

Planning a Second Birthday...Sneak Peak

A sneak peak at our party set up! I'll do a full recap when I get photos back from Shannon (which I don't expect until after Christmas/New Years, she's a busy bee!). I can't wait to show you all the details but for now this will have to do! 

Dessert table: Propellar pops, Marshalling Wands, Runway cake, Airplane cake, and jetstream cupcakes, peanuts, airplane tires, and cornbread muffins (to go with the chili we served). Oh! And airplane cheese! 

I made an airplane cake with the Wilton cake mold. 

Collin making coffee for our "passengers" in his new kitchen!

We had so much fun and sincerely appreciate everyone who was able to make it. Birthdays have always been important and special to me and I'm so happy we are able to continue that with C. He woke up yesterday morning and mumbled in his crib, "It's Birthday? Oh wow! I so essited!" He had so much fun and really enjoyed everyone's company.