So, here I am up late. I've been bumping/stalking the TTCAL boards all night - since I got off work. What can I say?! I feel comfortable talking to women who have experienced the same sort of loss that I have.
I have been able to remain positive, especially since starting to temp/chart. Except tonight I realized I would be in week 30 right now (or leading into it, I can't remember exactly) if Miss Angeline were still with us. It broke my heart a little... but G reminded me that we cannot live in "if's". He's right, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It's really hard talking to friends & family, who out of the love of their heart try to give advice and words of encouragement & hope, who haven't experienced a miscarriage/still born/etc. Loss is loss, grief is grief... but what I've learned is that Grief looks different on everybody. Just like wearing a lime green sweater - some people embrace it and let it flow, some people try to accessorize and "make it work".
I also learned, at the Perinatal Bereavement Service last month, that there is no time line. So long as you aren't in the "dark place" for an extended period of time, it's okay to have set backs. This week I was reminded of my loss through another person's actions/decisions and it crippled me for about an hour. I wanted to do nothing more than scream - and that was the last thing I could actually do. I gained my composure, and moved past it. As long as you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you're okay. At least this is what I tell myself, anyways. But it's okay to have those moments when you just want to scream. I mean, if you're in the right situation - embrace it! SCREAM!
This week, I have also learned the meaning of "things not to say to a woman who has miscarried". Again, I know my loved ones are offering encouragement and hope... but please... I don't want to hear "maybe this happened because something was wrong with the baby". Or "Maybe down the road there could have been worse complications". Or "It's all in Gods plan". Or "Maybe you guys aren't in the right 'place' to have a baby yet...". Etc etc etc. You get it, no? Well... you're right, maybe it happened for one - or all - of those reasons. But like I've already said, that doesn't make it any easier.
I think when we are faced with grief, our loved ones feel obligated to comfort and console them. What I ask of my loved ones is that you just tell me, "I am very sorry for your loss. I love you and I am keeping you in my thoughts for your miracle to happen - whatever it may be." Please don't feel awkward or like you need to preach to me. Please don't feel like you need to come up with an explanation. There isn't one! Especially in my case, there is no reason or rhyme to why we lost our child - we just did. So I don't need to be told all the reasons it "might" have happened. If you wish to just take me in your arms and hug me, instead of saying anything at all, that is okay too!
Finally, before I pass the heck out, I want to thank all of my loved ones who HAVE made the effort to comfort, console, and support G&I. Even if you have said one of the things I mentioned above, please know that the efforts you've made to support us do not go unrecognized. I simply could not have gotten through this pain and grief with out you. While G has been my rock, everyone else is helping holding us both up. We are thankful for that strong foundation and wouldn't have it any other way!
For the New Year: I promise to be the best person I can be while focusing on the things that are most important to me. I promise to make things happen, if I want them to happen, instead of waiting around for someone to push me to do it. I promise to be proactive, forgiving, loving, and to never lose hope & confidence in myself, our future, and whatever it may bring!
