Disclaimer. This is long. And I ramble. But there's a point. So stick with me, okay?
Today was a hard day, emotionally. I posted a while back about this new journey I'm on. Today was hard in relation to that.
I've been making small changes now for about 10-12 weeks. Changes in my diet, in my activity level, in my response and investment in the world and towards the people in my life. Small changes that are adding up to be big world-changers for me. A few months ago, on that drive into the snowy mountains I talked about before - the one where I talked to God the whole entire drive - I promised my self and made a vow to God to start focusing on me.
If someone were to ask me to make a "like" and "don't like" list about myself, my "don't like" list would probably be a lot longer than the "like" list. And a lot of the things on my "like" list would be things like:
"I like being a mom."
"I like being a wife."
"I love being partly responsible for my son's achievements."
"I love my husband and what our relationship has grown to be in the last twelve years."
"I like love being a successful (in my eyes) business woman/artist"
See a pattern?
Last weekend in church, Scott Nickel taught on the fact that as women we often focus our happiness on the things we're surrounded by. As a woman, a mom, and a wife the very definition of myself is dependent on how happy, fulfilled, and successful my marriage, my role as Collin's mother, and the other relationships I have in my life.
This is a dangerous path. One that I've been traveling since I can remember. For as long as I can remember I have craved praise from the people who surround me. I have always needed to feel like I am good enough, strong enough, and successful enough in other's eyes. But what about in my eyes? Or... more importantly what about in God's eyes?
Strangely enough, this very topic is something I spoke with God about back in November while I white-knuckled the icy roads into Winterpark, CO. I came to realize through our conversation that it's time that I start focusing more of my efforts inward. Because the "don't like" category was just getting too long. And I had started to lose sight of... me. Questioning who I am. Questioning and wondering what my purpose is in this world outside of being a mother and wife.
One of my biggest struggles in life, as I've mentioned before, is my addiction to food. So, this morning I was really struggling. I had made some not-so-great choices twice this week and all the guilt and shame set in today. I'm getting bored with my food options. I'm trying to do as much salad and smoothies as I can stomach. And, actually, I love coming up with new salad options. I've always loved salad. I've always loved smoothies. But I'm getting bored. And my old cravings and habits are trying to creep back in and I felt so weak this morning.
My "old" life is comforting. I sought comfort in my addictions. Now I'm having to find new sources of comfort and to be confident in my choices above all else. This "new" life has unfamiliar. It's scary. And I'm terrified to fail. Especially because I have made my efforts so public on Facebook/Instagram.
Now, as another side note...There's a reason I've done that by the way. Because when I seem to go a few days without a workout update or a clean-food photo update I start getting questioned from some friends who seem to really care about my efforts. And that is motivating and it keeps me going knowing that there are people out there who want to see me succeed. Who believe that I can succeed. It's empowering and when I have days like today, it makes me want to pull myself off the couch and kick ass in a work out or come up with something delicious and healthy.
Which, is exactly what I did this evening. I owned Fire30 / Stretch 10 tonight!
I struggled all day with my cravings. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with C for lunch and that's all I ate until dinner. Because I didn't trust myself to make good choices. Then I squashed those feelings with the best Turbo Fire workout I've had yet. And proved to myself that even in my weakest moments, even in my darkest times when the Devil is trying to gain hold over me and temptations seem to be flooding around me... I can prevail. I CAN and WILL win.
So... what's my point to all of this?
(I told you I was going to ramble a bit)
I'm working on me.
Finally. Along side with all of the other hats and things on my plate, I've finally put myself on my priority list and am focusing and working on me. And for the record, I refuse to feel bad about that. In fact, I am actually proud of myself for finally feeling like I deserve some of my own focus and attention. And finally... finally!... I trust that God is my ring leader and He is leading me toward a better life.
Thank you to those who surround me with positivity and encouragement. Thank you to those who understand or at least try to. I am excited (and terrified at the same time) to see what this next year brings. Like I said, small changes are already adding up.